Shatter the silence and acknowledge the importance of mental health

I've experienced multiple instances of losing control.. While it's not an everyday event, when it occurs, it can lead to significant troubles for me and those in my immediate vicinity.

In a good mental state and with stable mental health, I can keep my inner demons in check and refraining from acting on harmful impulses. I’m not sure how I do it. My personality changes drastically when I'm in a dark place.

I lose control of my reactions in dark situations. The severity of my reaction hinges on the level of pain caused by the situation. Even I don't know what to expect from myself during that mental phase.

Rarely, I also have blackouts. The earliest experience I recall was when I got expelled from my initial high school. I didn't handle it well when the head grabbed me by the arm. Even to this day, I have no recollection of what had occurred during the blackout. I can only rely on what others have informed me. Out of the 10 people present in the meetings, only 1 person believed my statement. They decided I would transfer to the nearest school.

Since my initial episode, I've experienced them on various occasions, but I can manage it, to some extent.

I also believe I experience premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). The name was first introduced to me by my doctor. And almost all the symptoms align with mine.

PMDD is like premenstrual syndrome (PMS). The decrease in hormone levels after ovulation triggers this event, happening in the week or two before your period begins. PMDD results in more severe symptoms than PMS, such as severe depression, irritability, and tension.

Contraceptives negatively affect my hormones, so I can't take them. Although they say copper IUD doesn't have hormone in them. It isn't recommended for me because it would cause more health issues such as infections, including pelvic inflammatory disease and so on. There is research linking the copper IUD to copper toxicity, too.

Up to 5% of women between 15 and 45 years old are affected by PMDD. It is commonly associated with anxiety or depression.

Symptoms I experience can include; 

• A mood characterized by depression.

• Experiencing anger or irritability.

• Having a difficult time concentrating.

• Disinterest in previously favored activities.

• Moodiness.

• A surge in appetite.

• Difficulty falling asleep or feeling excessively tired.

• Feeling overwhelmed and not in control.

It wasn't until my doctor mentioned it recently that I realized I might have ADHD, something I had never suspected.

Hiding some of my other symptoms is a talent of mine, so it's been logical for me to hide this from teachers as well while growing up. Resulting in them seeing me as a bad egg instead.

My inability to focus and prioritize often causes me to miss deadlines and forget meetings or social plans. The inability to control impulses can lead to impatience, anger outbursts, and mood swings.

From time to time, my symptoms can be different.

Within minutes, I go from calm to excited and energetically clean the house while blasting music. In an instant, my mood shifts to deep depression and thoughts of suicide. When I’m down. I feel as if there’s no meaning to me in this life. I distract myself until I see the light and regain control. Writing is proving helpful to me right now.